Writing My Own Job Description

See?  This is why, if you're a receptionist, you don't ask me to write a job description for myself.  Not only do I find it to be a colossal waste of time, but when I'm already pretty much fed up with my job anyway, it's just an excuse to be smarmy and sarcastic.  The following is my actual job description (for one of the three positions I'm currently filling in for).  The red parts were deleted before I submitted it to the powers that be of course.

By the way, I think just the black text of this got posted to careerbuilder.com, so be careful what you apply for if you're out there in the market.

 
Technical Services Manager

Reporting Relationship: The Technical Services Manager reports to an entire company filled with people who think they are indispensable to the company, and consequently, that their problem is the most important one in the building.  He also reports to the Chief Information Officer, who is a really nice guy, despite the fact that he doesn't let you drink on the job.

Job Summary: The Technical Services Manager manages and supervises all aspects of the daily operations of the corporate network infrastructure, AS/400 operations and all internal technical help desk support staff.  Which is really a laugh, because there isn't a support staff, it's just you, hence the reason everyone who has ever held this job has burnt out and quit.

Duties and Responsibilities:

1. Ensure that company network and computer systems are fully functional and reliable in accordance with industry standards despite the fact that there is no budget for upgrading equipment and operating systems.  For Pete's sake, we've still got a couple of wheezing NT 4.0 boxes here that are ten years old!
2. Ensure that infrastructure devices have logging mechanisms installed, and that logging is enabled and logs are kept secure and retained in accordance with best practices.  Nobody will ever look at these logs, and they will eventually consume all disk space in the company, but you just have to have them.
3. Ensure that all systems are properly backed up at regular intervals in order to provide a data and system recovery plan.  Currently the network contains six terabytes of data, and your backup system and budget allows for you to own a total of one terabyte of DAT tapes running on a very slow drive.  You do the math here, Einstein.  Current process is to back up one-sixth of the network, overwriting tapes every night.  Users are advised and expected to comply with a schedule of what days they are allowed to corrupt or lose their files.  You got a better idea, feel free to try it out, 'cause things can't get much worse.
4. Ensure proper firewall settings, password protection policies, and security measures for proper protection against unauthorized entry or use of corporate and client systems.  The end result should be that it is nearly impossible to do actual work, or to download critical updates from Microsoft, yet, at the same time, certain higher-ups int he building still need to be able to play World of Warcraft on company time. 
5. Ensure that the company meets all licensing agreements and laws.  Exceptions are made for installations of Server, OS, and Office products, because those are kind of expensive if you want to be legal -- again, unless you specifically have to have a license key to make it work, just use the crackz and warez sites.
6. Oversee the corporate help desk and ensure help desk staff is resolving issues from internal users in a timely manner to include hardware, peripheral and software support.  Wait, okay, who are we kidding, you are the help desk staff.  And don't worry about managing yourself; we've got plenty of arrogant, over-empowered 22-year-olds who will tell you how to do your job.
7. Ensure adherence to local, state, and federal computing statues/laws and adherence to applicable 3rd party compliance programs such as HIPPA, PCI/DSS, SOX, GLBA, or at least lie to upper management and make them think that it's even remotely possible given the size of the organization and the budget constraints placed on you.
8. Minimize and control costs toward outside purchases and vendor support, down to something comparable to five or ten bucks a year.  If you need something, I'm sure someone here has a cousin's nephew's brother's friend who can screw it up for you.
9. Manage, oversee and control all contracted work by 3rd party vendors.  Scrutinize all invoices and services received from vendors, get offended when somebody asks you for a PO, become creative and explaining to people why they aren't going to get paid, fake a heart attack when the collection agency calls. 
10. Manage all maintenance and support contracts, licensing requirements, pacts with the prince of darkness, and computer supply needs.  If a customer acts up, be sure to choke off their supply like a greedy Saudi Arabian Oil Sheik.
11. Develop and maintain appropriate accounting procedures of the equipment life cycle from equipment acquisition, redistribution and disposal, or just load all of those old laptops and monitors into the back of your SUV and sell them on eBay to make up for the difference between your meager salary and the national poverty level.
12. Manage, document and maintain a software library. Eventually become a bitchy, frumpy, bossy, middle-aged librarian who keeps her granny glasses on a chain and enforces stiff fines for late returns and speaking too loudly.
13. Manage, train, hire and staff appropriately all PC Technicians, Network Engineers, and System Operators for the successful support of systems, workstations, network architecture, servers, backup systems, and hardware support for all users within the corporate network.  Hey, while you're at it, establish a quest to find and open the elusive portal to the fantasy world where MCSE's will work for $40K a year ... otherwise you won't have a staff.
14. Perform 90-day and annual reviews of the technical staff, of which there isn't one, so just do your own 90-day review ... if you last that long.
15. Make recommendations and develop plans for disaster recovery, alien invasion, redundancy, giant lizard attacks, redundancy, reliability, security, redundancy, and speed of all your base and systems.
16. Manage all training material including reference manuals, training software packages, pornographic video tapes, self-study guides, and any other company purchased marital aids.  Ensure that there are appropriate sign-out protocols and procedures of all training material for accounting's sinister purposes.
17. Analyze new technologies and perform competitive analyses on things we will never in a million years allow you to buy.
18. Assist in the development of technical budgets, allocate resources and determine schedules of new technology implementation.  Next week we're hoping to get these newfangled things they call fax machines, so make sure there's some space for those.
19. Establish and maintain an effective system of communication throughout the organization, especially during downed systems and product enhancements.  Users will generally grab torches and chase you back to the server room screaming and yelling if anything goes down or if you ever change anything, so it is considered a good idea to use a bullhorn to be heard over the death threats and obscenities being spouted at you.
20. Ensure that the computer room is satisfactorily maintained and is presentable at a moment's notice for all client tours.  Be sure to reset all traps, triggers, tiger pits, dart launchers, and poison gas dispensers when they leave.

Education and Experience: The Technical Services Manager must have obtained a 4-year degree from an accredited college and 4 years of experience or more then 6 years work experience in advanced network architecture, security, and administration, and be willing to work long hours with little appreciation, no opportunity for advancement, and a salary that would make the gizz mopper at the adult video gallery and/or the average fry guy at Burger King take pity on you. 

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