Self-Enlightenment Through Facebook

You know, I used to think I had a pretty good handle on my self-identity. That is, until I started falling in with the wrong crowd on Facebook.  You know, the crowd that feels the need to send you every %#*@! app under the sun?! The quizzes, particularly the "which are you" quizzes, are the best.  The fist one I got was "Which comic book character are you?" Answer: Batman. Duh! I would also have accepted The Shadow, Cyborg, and Catwoman's loyal henchman #2 as correct answers. 

Thinking, "Hey, these are pretty dead on," I decided to answer a few of the other requests I was getting as well. Turns out I am Spock, which is good because I was starting to wonder after reading Nimoy's book. I am also Daffy Duck (Looney Tunes), Corporal Newkirk (Hogan's Heroes), and Vanessa Abrams from something called "The Gossip Girls." My ideal celebrity girlfriend is Angela Basset and I am not a true southerner, as if five years in the Mississippi public school system hadn't already me that.  All of this stuff I can pretty much go along with, but then I started moving on to the third and fourth page of the quizzes and found out more about myself than I think anyone should know.  For example...

• What 80's Song are You? "Bad" by Michael Jackson -- He was being tongue in cheek about that, wasn't he? I don't even touch my private parts in public!   Now obviously, since I've been using the monaker for 20 years, "Neon Knights" by Black Sabbath is the correct answer.
• What Should You Nickname Be? "Tom" -- Oh, come on!  
• Do You like Polar Bears? Yes -- I also like Bi-polar Bears. Strangely enough, there was more than one question on that quiz. I guess it had a veracity check built in or something.
• Which Firefly Character Are You? Kaylee -- Which if that were true, I would spend the entire day in front of a mirror doing jumping jacks and wouldn't get much work done on the cool electronic gizmos.
• What Kind of Fart Are You?  Silent But Deadly -- Yeah, you don't need to worry about me until I get quiet.
• Which of the 7 Deadly Sins Are You?  Jaywalking. -- Hold on a cotton-pickin' minute, I'm worthy of at least gluttony ... possibly lust here. I can submit character witnesses! 
• What is your superpower?  The ability to make any woman my instant platonic friend.
• Which Power Ranger Are You? Green -- But clearly they need to differentiate whether I am Tommy Oliver, Adam Park, Carlos Vallere ... I mean am I a Ninja?  A Dinosaur? What's goin' on here?
• Which Indian Team Cricketer Are You? Mahender Singh Dhoni -- Uhhhhhh, is he good? Is that like being Albert Pujols or something in India?   Does this mean I'm cool?
• What Kind of Drink Are You? Affectionate Drunk -- Which is completely bogus. I am a philosophical drunk. I am deep! Why just last week I was at Claude and Annie's discussing Carl Jung and and the collective intellect.
• What Kind of Houseplant Are You?  Angel-Wing Begonia -- Well ... I just had to know. I was worried I might be some kind of fern or something.
• Which Breakfast Cereal Are You? King Vitamin -- But I shall rule alone and wear my crown upon a troubled brow.

Though I've always had something of a self-confidence problem, I now see why five of my friends have secret crushes on me, and seven of them think I'm the nicest person on Facebook -- despite the fact that I'm the buzz-kill who calculated all the carbon offsets and figured out the "Little Green Patch" app really is doing more damage to the environment than good.

	File Under:	Humor
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